Banana Split: A Love Story
by RedxMaude
Summary: Who doesn't want a lil' Banana Split? The crackiest of ships, Yang x Neo. Warning: Severe crack fic. Relies heavily on references to Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, although not an actual crossover. Enjoy at your own discretion. Rated T for suggestive content and pure insanity. (And yes, I'm well aware the Banana Split/Hellsing Ultimate crowd is a fairly niche audience.) (Baked Alaska)


**I don't own RWBY or Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. Credit goes to RoosterTeeth and Kouta Hirano/Studio Madhouse/Funimation/TeamFourStar respectively.**

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Banana Split: A Love Story

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After the traumatic events that constituted the Fall of Beacon, both Yang and Neo found themselves horribly alone in an unforgiving world.

Blake had run away, the rest of team RWBY was scattered to the wind, and – worst of all – Roman Torchwick had been eaten by the Grimm.

But these two tragic souls had found something special with one another – their lots cast together as they wandered through Remnant, seeking to put back the pieces of their lives…

"Neo…" Yang moaned, reveling in the small kisses and soft bites Neo placed along her neck.

Encouraged, Neo trailed her tongue down to Yang's collarbone, gently nipping at her skin.

Yang's left hand twisted in Neo's hair.

"Neo," she said, "Let's do something a little different tonight…"

Neo leaned back, meeting Yang's eye – a questioning look on her face.

"I want you to talk dirty to me," said Yang, smiling playfully.

Neo's face looked dismayed, her eyes dropping to the floor.

Yang put her hand under Neo's chin, lifting her face back up to meet hers.

"What's wrong?" she asked. Still smiling, she leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Neo's lips.

Neo smiled back, weakly. Tapping her throat, she mouthed the words, 'I can't.' Looking away again, a dejected air settled over the small girl, her shoulders slumping and her hands resting lightly on Yang's hips.

Placing another soft kiss on Neo's lips, Yang reached past her with her good arm to the bureau beside them. She picked something up and handed it to Neo.

"Sure you can," Yang said with a wink.

Neo looked down at the object in her hands – it was her whiteboard, the one she used to communicate when gestures alone weren't enough.

Still unsure, Neo wrote:

 _ARE YOU SURE THIS WILL WORK?_

"It'll be fine," Yang purred, nibbling on Neo's ear.

Grinning, Neo began to scribble furiously.

 _OKAY THEN – LET'S ROLE PLAY_

Looking up from the words on the whiteboard, Yang wagged her eyebrows like a 1920s Vaudeville villain.

"Oh yeah? Who do you want me to be for you?"

More furious scribbling ensued.

 _YOU'LL BE THE BIG TITTY POLICE GIRL. AND I'LL BE-_

Stepping back, Yang said, "Why do I have to be the _big titty_ police girl? That's such a type." Crossing her arm over her chest, she mumbled, "You know I'm sensitive about it…"

Erasing the board with the side of her hand, Neo wrote:

 _NO – IT'S JUST A BIT, GO WITH IT I'M TRYING TO DO A THING HERE_

Yang rolled her eyes, shaking her head.

"It's still disrespectful to women, just because _you_ don't understand-"

Yang was cut off as Neo waved the whiteboard in her face.

 _OKAY FINE JUST BE THE POLICE GIRL THEN, AND STOP INTERRUPTING – IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO WRITE ALL THIS WITHOUT HAVING TO STOP AND ANSWER YOUR EVERY CRITIQUE_

She paused, frowning.

 _WAIT – DID YOU JUST CALL ME FLAT CHESTED?_

Yang smiled sheepishly, leaning down and kissing Neo on the mouth. She took Neo's bottom lip between her teeth playfully. Breaking the kiss she stood up and smiled.

 _FINE, I'LL LET IT SLIDE…_

Taking a deep breath, Neo erased the board and started over as Yang played with her hair.

 _OKAY BACK TO THE SCENARIO, YOU'RE THE POLICE GIRL, AND I'M YOUR MASTER. YOU'RE GONNA DO EVERYTHING I SAY_

"If I'm a police girl and you're my 'master' wouldn't you just be the lieutenant or something?"

Glowering, Neo bopped Yang on the head with the whiteboard, shaking her head and emphatically making a shushing gesture with a finger held up in front of her lips.

 _POLICE GIRL – THIS IS YOUR MASTER SPEAKING_

 _I WANT YOU TO PUT MY HEAD BETWEEN YOUR BOOBS! *SUGGESTIVE VOICE_

Yang giggled.

"You don't need to write inflections, I get what you're going for without the 'suggestive voice' bit, sweetie," she said.

Neo heaved a huge sigh, anger flashing in her eyes. There was another moment of furious scribbling.

 _WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT INTERRUPTING? YOU'RE TOTALLY RUINING THE MOMENT!_

Yang shrugged, looking at least a little apologetic.

 _OKAY_

 _STARTING OVER_

 _POLICE GIRL – POLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE GIRL, PUT MY HEAD BETWEEN YOUR BOOBS!_

Yang slipped the straps of her tank top off her shoulders, pulling the light fabric of her shirt down below her breasts. Stepping closer, she cupped Neo's jaw and lifted her face towards her chest, arching her back and pushing out her boobs.

Neo nuzzled her face into the pillowy, soft mounds of warm white skin, pulling at the edge of Yang's bra with her teeth. Still writing, she held up the white board over her head:

 _VERY GOOD. *MUFFLED VOICE* NOW PUT ME BETWEEN YOUR-_

Yang pushed Neo away for a moment, her sides heaving with laughter.

"HAHAHAHA _*MUFFLED VOICE_ * HAHAHAHA," she cried, eyes tearing up. "Woo, I can't take you seriously when you do that!"

Neo's hands balled up into fists and stamped her foot, glaring up at Yang.

 _THIS WAS YOUR IDEA YOU STUPID BIMBO_

Still laughing, Yang was clutching her stomach, but when she saw the whiteboard her chuckles cut off mid-breath and her eyes flashed red.

"Hey! Who are you calling a bimbo! Did we not just go over the stereotypes thing! Ugh, how many times do I have to tell you I'm sensitive about my breasts! And just because I'm blonde-"

Neo shut her up by reaching over and grabbing a pillow, launching it as hard as she could at Yang's face. It impacted with a soft _thump_.

Storming towards the door to their room, Neo scribbled on her whiteboard. Turning around to face Yang, she flashed the sign:

 _OH FUCK ALL KINDS OF DUCK. I'M GOING FOR A WALK._

"What does that even mean?" Yang yelled.

Neo threw up her hands, exasperated. She turned back towards the door.

"Where do you think you're going!"

Punching the door, Neo's frame shook with anger. She shook her head, practically slamming the erasable marker into the much abused whiteboard.

 _I HAVE THINGS TO DO_

"What things! You don't do _things_!"

 _YES I DO, I TAKE ENTHUSIASTIC WALKS THROUGH THE WOODS AT NIGHT_

"And get blown off the side of aircraft by fifteen year old little girls…" muttered Yang.

 _THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THAT_

"Yeah, well, don't forget your umbrella you friggin' little Mary Poppins poser…"

 _YOU'RE GONNA REGRET THIS!_

Neo scribbled something else on the whiteboard before winding up and chucking the offending artifact at Yang. Unable to catch it one-handed, the square of plastic nailed her between the eyes.

While she was distracted, Neo slipped out of the room – slamming the door behind her, nearly breaking it off of its hinges.

Rubbing the red spot on her forehand, Yang looked down at the whiteboard in her lap. Ominously, these words were written in a shaky hand:

 _YOU DONE GOOFED, XIAO LONG, YOU DONE GOOFED…_

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Author's note: Nope – I have no explanation as to why this happened or where it came from. Just popped into my head, I have no excuses for myself.

Not sure if there will be more of this, but if you'd actually want to read more Banana Split drop a review/PM/leave a follow or whatever it is you do and just maybe I will. We'll see…

Also I generally don't go in for the super-crack fic esc type stuff, so sorry if my newbie status shines through, I'm trying!


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